


Silence is the Most Powerful Scream

by PrivateSecret



Category: Glee
Genre: Blangst, Blangst Prompt of the Day, Cutting, Emotional Hurt, Famous Blaine, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Klaine Break-Up, M/M, Mute Blaine, Muteness, NYADA, Past Infidelity, Prompt #1006, Prompt Fill, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Teen Angst, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5698210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrivateSecret/pseuds/PrivateSecret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt #1006: Blaine is tired of being broken over and over again. He decides to not be social any more because that means getting hurt. Blaine becomes a selective mute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Close your Mouth

**Author's Note:**

> Hey :)  
> So, this is my take on Blangst prompt #1006. As you'll see my fill is a bit different than the prompt, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.  
> I got the name for this fic from an anonymous quote.  
> Happy reading!

**From Kurt: Stop calling me. Stop messaging me. I don't want to hear what you have to say. It's over, Blaine.**

His hands shook as he read the message. Kurt didn't want him any more. A lone tear made its way down his cheek. _You lost your chance, Blaine. You're so stupid. This is all your fault. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why do you have to be so stupid?_

He tossed his phone on his bed and made to walk out of his room but then decided to join it. Curling around a pillow he grabbed his phone again and started reading messages from a long time ago. Back when Kurt still wanted him and was happy. Before Kurt went to New York and was consumed by the city. Before he ever cheated.

**To Kurt: Yeah, that was fun. Maybe we can do it again some time?**

**From Kurt: I'd love to. THIS TIME we'll bring insect repellent.**

**To Kurt: YES! Getting eaten by mosquitoes was not fun. Hey, babe, I need to get to bed, long day tomorrow.**

**From Kurt: Hope you have sweet dreams :***

**To Kurt: I intend to dream of you, so yeah, I will have sweet dreams :P**

**From Kurt: The sweetest. I love you**

**To Kurt: I love you more.**

_Why did you have to ruin the only good thing in your life, Blaine?_ It hurt so much. So, so much. The ache gripped his heart and squeezed the tears out of him. Soon his shoulders shook. His hand pressed the phone to his chest as if it held his most treasured possessions. And it did. All of his memories of Kurt were saved in it. Messages and pictures. So many pictures of the two of them when they were happy. _Together_.

_You can't do anything right, can you? You always destroy everything. No-one wants you, no-one loves you because you are stupid and always say stupid things._

The voice in his head wouldn't stop. It assaulted his heart with as much venom as it could muster. Sobs wracked his body, his cries echoed off the walls.

**I don't want to hear what you have to say.**

Kurt didn't want to hear what he said. Maybe he's not the only one. Maybe the reason everyone left him was because he said stupid things. Maybe the reason why he always got hurt was because he he said stupid things. Maybe if he stopped talking they would want him. Maybe he will stop hurting himself.

Suddenly the sobs stopped. He was silent.

 

***

 

Sam glanced at him at the lockers but didn't say anything. He just turned around and walked to his first class. Blaine couldn't blame him. No-one had really said anything to him since they found out what caused the break up. Everyone but Sam had been giving him the evil eye when they saw him and some went as far as to shove him in lockers, trip him and generally make his life more miserable than it already was. It has only been a week since he he'd been in New York. Since everything fell apart. Blaine didn't know how much more he could handle.

In class he remained silent. When the teacher asked him a question he simply shook his head. Mr Davis was confused, usually Blaine was more than willing to answer questions in class.

His reaction caused a few snickers. Someone whispered, “Maybe he's too dumb.”

 _Yeah, right! I'm a straight A student, thank you very much_. But Blaine kept his head down and said nothing. They didn't want to hear what he has to say. Nobody does.

 

***

 

Glee. He had to quit Glee. They were all probably sick of hearing him sing Katy Perry. As he made his way to the auditorium he quickly thought of a way to quit without talking. He ripped a piece of paper from his notebook and scribbled: _I'm quitting Glee. I'm sorry_. He briskly walked into the class room, and noticed how the room immediately went quiet when he entered. Finn was giving him glares that could rival Kurt's, Kitty looked smug and Sam a bit concerned.

“Why is the cheating whore still in Glee?” Kitty asked.

“Kitty!” Mr Schue admonished, but Blaine was sure he had thought the same at one stage, too. It didn't stop the words from hurting. _Cheating whore. I'm a whore. Worthless_.

Shaking his head he quickly sat his note on Mr Schue's desk and walked out of the auditorium, doing his best not to run from their angry faces.

 

***

 

The bullying got worse. The New Directions were not pleased by his quitting. Artie made a point of rolling over his toes every now and then, Santana and Kitty put their sharp tongues to good use, all the other girls slushied him occasionally, and Finn and a few other jocks shoved him in lockers. Also the Hockey team caught wind of his cheating and went out of their way to toss his in dumbsters at least twice a day as well calling him slut and whore loud enough for everyone to hear. The new additions to the New Directions sided with the older Directioners and made sure to give a stinky eye when they saw him.

Blaine started eating lunch hidden in the library. The Glee club had made it clear they didn't want to sit next to a cheating whore and there weren't any other people he could call his friends. So he hid where the jocks wouldn't find him and it was safe and quiet. He liked it better here anyway, no-one could hurt him here.

Soon he stopped eating lunch and rather spent his time reading books. He found that he could loose himself in other people's stories, their adventures and happiness. He always made sure to read books that had happy endings. Blaine was afraid he start forgetting what happy felt like. He read books to remember.

In the evening he would take out the blades he had collected and carve silent screams for help on his thighs and arms. He wanted someone to know how he felt, he wanted someone to care and comfort him. But he didn't know how to ask and he was sure that no-one really cared. Kurt would have been the first person he would have confided in, but he had betrayed him. Besides, Kurt didn't want to hear what he had to say. It was over.

 

***

 

It wasn't long before everyone noticed that Blaine refused to speak. Three weeks had gone by since he had come back from New York, and nobody had heard him speak even once.

Sam tried to message him but he never got a reply. He was starting to get really worried for his friend. He had asked the Gleeks to ease up on Blaine but they were adamant that he deserved it.

On the third Friday since Blaine's return from New York, Sam approached Blaine and tried to get him to talk, but Blaine only wrote down short answers the notebook he had begun to carry around as a means to communicate when it was absolutely necessary.

Blaine wouldn't look Sam in the eye and simply stood there until Sam gave up. He could only help Blaine if he wanted it.

 

***

 

As the weeks turned in to months, Blaine became more and more isolate. When walking to and from classes he hugged the walls and kept his head down, he never spoke in class unless forced to (English and Spanish), and spent lunch time alone in the library.

There was no-one at home to talk to either. His parents were there only occasionally and they never asked him any questions he couldn't answer in fewer than five words.

Blaine spent afternoons and evenings doing his homework and looking through the memories of Kurt that were stored on his phone. He knew most of the conversation he had with Kurt over messages off by heart and he had looked at the pictures of them together enough for them to be burned into his heart.

He thought that isolating himself would make everything stop hurting. Because then no-one could hurt him. But it still hurts, even though he never socialises, everything still hurts.

With every passing month he felt more worthless. More like a whore. A cheater.

 

***

 

Sam didn't know what to do. Three months had passed and Blaine was not improving. He wasn't sure whether calling Kurt about this was a good idea, but he was running out of options. Blaine was depressed. Also, Sam was sure that he had seen cuts on Blaine wrists. He had to do something.

 

***

 

Three months since the cheating and Kurt was ready to move on. He was going to go on a date tonight. He would enjoy himself and forget Blaine. Blaine had betrayed him. Had hurt him in a way he never would have expected. He was over Blaine.

An hour before his date he was putting together the finishing touches to his outfit when he heard his phone ring. He frowned when he saw the caller ID.

“Hello. Sam?” _Why on earth would Sam call him._

“Kurt. Hi.” Sam breathed.

“Not to be rude or anything, but why are you calling me? We don't usually chat on the phone. Or at all.”

“It's Blaine.”

“What goes on in Blaine's life doesn't concern me any more, Sam. He cheated and I don't care how bad he feels. He brought this on himself.” Anger coloured his words. This was not helping him get over Blaine. It really wasn't.

“Kurt. He doesn't talk,” Sam sounded desperate.

“What do you mean he doesn't talk?”

“I can literally count the number of times I heard him say something on one hand. He hides somewhere during lunch, he quit Glee and nobody has really heard him say anything or even really seen him.”

“He hasn't said a word for three months?” Kurt asked incredulously.

“Pretty much, yeah. And, Kurt, he's cu-cutting. Like really badly,” Sam stuttered on the word cutting.

“ _What!_ Blaine? Always dapper and happy Blaine?” Kurt's mind was reeling. _No, no, no,no,no. This isn't happening. Not Blaine. He wouldn't._

“He's really depressed. Most of the New Directions and the Hockey team have been bullying him. I tried to get them to stop but they won't.”

“Bullying! They're bullying my Blaine?” Kurt inhaled sharply when he realised that he had called Blaine his. _Maybe I'm not over him after all._

“Yeah. Some of the New Directioners have been making his life hell and stuff for months now. Kurt, you need to talk to him. Please?” Kurt could hear the concern and desperation in Sam's voice.

“I'll do better than that: I'm booking a flight home as we speak.” Kurt frantically tapped the keys on him laptop.

“Kurt, you don't need to do that; he hurt you. Just call him.”

“If what you're saying is true, then Blaine won't be willing to speak to me; there's not point in calling him. I'm coming home.”

 

***

 

Blaine started from his ritual before-homework-nap when he heard someone knocking on the front door. Who on earth would visit him? His parents were in London for business and even if the were in the country, they would just let themselves in. And nobody has come to his house since the break up.

Maybe it's the New Directions wanting to slushy him.

Slowly he made his way from the sofa to the front door. He swung the door open fully expecting the ice cold sting of a slushy and was instead greeted by the concerned face of the one person he loves the most.

“Kurt,” his voice was scratchy from misuse but he couldn't stop himself from saying his name.

“Blaine. May I come in?”

Silently, Blaine opened the door wider to let Kurt in and pointed to the sofa by way of invitation to sit.

“Blaine, Sam called me last night,” Kurt started carefully.

Blaine nodded.

“He said you haven't said anything in three months.”

He nodded again.

“He also said you've been self--” he took a gulp of much needed air. “Self-harming.”

His eyes widened. He'd been so careful to make sure no-one noticed. So careful.

“Blaine? Is it true?”

No reply.

“Have you been hurting yourself?”

Swallowing the ache that was building in the back of his throat, Blaine looked at his feet. _He can't find out. Why is he even here?_

“You have, haven't you?” tears began to roll down Kurt's porcelain cheeks. “ _Blaine_.”

Blaine hated seeing Kurt cry. _Why do you always destroy everything?_ _Why did he always manage to hurt other people and himself?_

“Why? Blaine, why?”

He swallowed again, “You said you don't want to hear what I have to say.”

“What?” Wiping his nose on a handkerchief, Kurt looked up at Blaine with confusion written all over his face.

“You texted me saying you don't want to hear what I have to say, that it's over. A-and I thought that if I stopped talking, stopped socialising , then maybe you would want me again. Maybe my parents and friends would want me. Because before, hardly anyone wanted me, and it hurt so much. Maybe if I stopped talking I would stop hurting. I always get broken and hurt because no-one wants me. And it hurts. S-so much. I-I-I always get hurt and I always hurt other people,” he could feel his throat closing up. He hasn't said this much in months.

“Blaine, you hurt me. You cheated! Of course I didn't want to hear what you had to say. All you were saying was sorry, anyway.”

“I _am_ s-s-sorry. I-I am,” he croaked.

“I know your sorry. But it doesn't change the fact that you _slept_ with some guy! You _betrayed_ me!”

“I-I d-d-didn't!” Blaine yelled.

“You cheated on me, Blaine.” Kurt yelled back.

“I d-didn't _sleep_ with h-him,” he choked out. “I didn't!”

“Then what exactly did you do, huh? You said you were with someone.”

“I-I let h-h-him kiss me,” Blaine sobbed. _I would hurt you like that_.

“You _kissed_ him?” Kurt all but bellowed.

“Yes! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so--”

“Stop saying that.”

Silence.

Blaine sunk to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest. He was trembling all over. _I did it this time. Kurt will never want to see me again. Every time I open my mouth this happens._ _Relationships always hurt in the end._ _I should have never said anything. Ever._

“You kissed him?” Kurt whispered.

Silence.

“You let me believe that you slept with some other guy. That you let him touch you in ways that only I was supposed to.”

“I didn't m-mean to. I w-wan-wanted to tell you what ha-appened in New York, but you d-didn't want to listen. Then I-I thought that it didn't m-matter anyway. It's s-s-still cheating.”

“But Blaine you didn't sleep with him.”

“S-so what! I a-a-accused you of ch-cheating when you flirted with Ch-Chandler. A-and then I went and k-kissed someone. I'm a cheating w-whore!” sobbed wracked his small frame, making his whole body shake with the strength of them.

“You are not a cheating whore, Blaine. You kissed a guy. And yes it was cheating and I'm still hurt, but you didn't let him do the things I've only ever do to you.”

“I'm a slut. I d-deserve the bullying and the cuts. I deserve it.” _I'm worthless. Worthless. Worthless._

“Blaine! Don't!” Kurt pleaded. “Come here, honey.”

Blaine's head snapped up at the endearment. When he saw Kurt approaching him, he quickly shrunk back against the wall.

“Blaine, it's just me. Come on,” Kurt whispered while he slowly crawled towards Blaine on all fours. He wanted to show Blaine that he is not a threat.

“I just want to hold you, Blaine,” he said soothingly and carefully wrapped his arms around Blaine. He pulled the broken boy against his chest and held him close.

Blaine felt Kurt's arms around him, and lots it. He couldn't stop the wails and sobs. He missed Kurt's arms. Missed them so much.

“Hey, it's OK. It's gonna be all right,” Kurt rocked him gently, whispering sweet nothings into his hair.

“Th-this is the f-f-first time some-someone touched me since... since forever,” Blaine sniffed. It felt so good to be held.

“What do you mean no-one has touched you?”

“Well, you were in New York and the people in Glee never hugged me or anything, then Eli happened, after that I went to New York and we broke up, I've been avoiding everyone ever since.”

“Are you saying that Eli was the only person to touch you since I left for New York,” Kurt's voice trembled and his eyes went wide as he began to piece everything together.

Blaine nodded. The tears slowly subsided, and all he wanted to do was cuddle with Kurt for as long as he'd let him.

“But you're always so tactile and a cuddle-whore.”

Suddenly Blaine stiffened and tried to get away, “I know! I know I'm a whore, but please stop calling me one. I already know.”

“No, no, no, Blaine. I didn't mean it like that,” Kurt frantically tried to explain and keep Blaine in his arms. “I just meant that you – you need hugs and kisses all the time. I know how much you need physical affection to feel loved. I forget that when I leave there is no-one else there to give that to you.”

When Kurt and Blaine had first started dating, Kurt had quickly noticed how physically affectionate Blaine was towards him. When he asked Blaine about it, he had gotten angry, ran away and hadn't replied to any of his texts or answered his calls for three days. Kurt had eventually begged Blaine's home address from Wes and David and driven there to confront him. He had cornered him and asked him again and had learned that Blaine was completely touch starved. He can still remember his voice as he shamefully told him about his love for physical affection as if were a sin.

“I can't help it.

“Please show me.” He needed to see to it that the cuts were properly treated.

Blaine shook his head. _It will make_ _him_ _angry. I can't._

“Please, Blaine,” Kurt pleaded.

Blaine swallowed.

Slowly he stretched his left arm out for Kurt to take.


	2. The Show Must Go On

Kurt gently tugged Blaine's sleeves up to his elbow. He followed the movement of his hands, trying not to look at the cuts until he absolutely had to. Taking a deep breath, he glanced down at Blaine's quivering wrists.

He gasped.

Sam had said it was bad, but he hadn't expected this. Blaine's left wrist was covered in cuts. Each the same length and the space between each was exactly the same as if Blaine had measured the distance before slicing into his own delicate skin. The cuts were thick suggesting that they had been cut open again as soon as they had healed. The ones closest to his wrist were mostly healed while the ones furthest away from his wrist were fresh.

" _Blaine_."

Blaine shut his eyes. He didn't want to see the disappointment and anger, maybe even the disgust, written all over Kurt's face. He hated to disappoint people.

"I'm sorry."

"You need to stop saying that."

"But it's true. I am sorry. I'm sorry for disappointing you," Blaine sniffed.

"I'm not disappointed," Kurt said firmly.

Blaine looked up incredulously.

"OK, maybe I'm a bit disappointed," Kurt sighed. "But that doesn't mean -- I mean... It's fine. No, no wait. It's not fine, it's just --"

"Kurt, it's OK. I've disappointed so many people and adding one more name to the endless list won't hurt much."

Now Kurt was the one to look up incredulously.

"OK, fine, it hurts a lot. But only because I'd hoped that I'd somehow pull off never disappointing you. I guess that was too much to ask for," Blaine chuckled humourlessly. He started pulling away from Kurt. _Kurt probably doesn't want to touch me now that he knows everything_.

"Blaine, no, come here." Kurt wrapped Blaine in his arms again. "I just want to know why you did it."

"Because I deserved it -- No, Kurt let me finish," he said when Kurt tried to interrupt." I deserved to be punished for hurting you. And, and it... It was my safety blanket. When no-one else was there, I could take the blade and hurt myself. It was comforting in a way. It was something I could control. I knew it couldn't leave me because I controlled it. The blade couldn't ignore me, or hate me or abandon me. It was the only thing that... that..."

"Blaine, please stop. I'm sorry I started ignoring you, I didn't mean to. It's just, the city is so big and exciting I kinda... forgot about you. And I know I promised you I wouldn't. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I left you here without anyone else here to be your friend. I'm sorry you were so lonely that you had to befriend a blade. I'm really sorry." Kurt was the one crying now.

"It's OK, Kurt. It was my decision to start cutting and it was my decision to cheat on you. I was in a bad situation, but it doesn't excuse what I did."

"No, it doesn't. I haven't fully forgiven you for what you did, Blaine. But I was at fault as well. I knew that you need physical affection to feel loved and I knew that you wouldn't have anyone to really be a good friend. As you pointed out in the past the New Directions were always more my friends than yours and that to them you are just an extension of me. I know I've always denied it when you said that because I didn't want to think that you didn't have any real friends. I pretty much pushed you into Eli's  arms by ignoring you. You wanted someone to love you."

"I knew Eli didn't love me though. But I hoped that if he held me, it would at least feel similar to being loved. I just, I didn't think you loved me any more. I'm so, so sorry for doubting you."

"We both messed up. Royally. But we can fix it. I want to start from the beginning again, Blaine. I want to be friends and get to know each other again. As I said, I haven't forgiven you yet, but I do want to be your friend again. You don't need the blade, Blaine. I think you need help. Professional help."

"I don't want anybody to know about the cutting," Blaine whispered.

"You have to get help, Blaine. You can't keep on doing this to yourself. Please just think about it. OK?"

"OK."

He could think about it. To make Kurt happy. Maybe it would even make him proud of Blaine. Then Blaine wouldn't have to carry the weight of Kurt's disappointment for too long. They could be friends. Maybe that is all Kurt would ever want to be with Blaine. But he didn't blame him. It was his fault after all. But at least they could be friends.

***

Months went by and they continued to be friends. They talked on the phone a couple days a week and Kurt would visit whenever he could. Blaine made an effort to stop cutting but never did get help from a professional. He simply tried to make his life better, hoping that he wouldn't have the urge to cut if he was happy. And it worked, mostly.

Blaine also made an effort to make friends. Real friends. People he could talk to and really liked him just because he was Blaine.

He had given up on Kurt and him ever getting back together. And rightly so. Kurt started talking about this guy called Adam: about how great he is, how good looking, sweet and loyal. Whenever Kurt would start talking about Adam, Blaine was always glad they didn't Skype and only talked on the phone. He didn't want Kurt to see his tears.

And when Blaine moved to New York to study at NYADA and he started seeing a lot more of both Adam and Kurt and saw how serous their relationship was, he did his very best to be the supportive friends cheering them on. He even befriended Adam and he had to agree that he really was great. He never gave Adam a reason to believe that he was competition even though he spent a lot of time with Kurt. He had been the cheater once and he definitely didn't want to be the other guy; the one whom the cheater cheated with.

And when Kurt asked him to be his best man he said yes and then made an excuse about being in a rush so that he could go to his apartment and cry his eyes out. But he made sure to be all smiles when the wedding day arrived. He gave his best man speech, he hugged the grooms and sent them off to their honeymoon destination with a grin on his face. No-one suspected a thing. Not even Kurt.

Soon he was becoming famous and making a name for himself. And when reporters asked him why he didn't have a significant other in his life, he told them that when he was younger he had a special someone in his life but that things didn't end well and that finding someone even half as special as this special someone was just as hard as he had expected it to be.

Blaine wasn't unhappy. He had real, true friends that loved him very much and he had the career he always dreamed of. But when he lay in bed each evening, a small part of his heart ached deeply for the love he'd lost.

But the show must go on.


End file.
